Musings of A Mysterious Mind

Sitting before a blank page, willing myself to write something meaningful – I glance at my feline pal Loki who is lounging on the arm of my husband’s chair to my right. I know our canine buddy Gus is around here somewhere. I think he is ignoring me because I did not take him for a drive tonight.

In the past few weeks, I have made some progress in my writing efforts and I have been working through a lot of internal blockages to make it happen. Tonight I am feeling tired and empty. That’s okay, that is going to happen. So today’s post is simple and even a little raw.

I am setting new goals for myself, daring to dream new dreams – although I think some of these may just be reincarnations of old dreams that I have buried deep. I started this blog to keep my writing moving forward, so the contents will be random. I hope that my readers find something uplifting, helpful or interesting in my posts.

As part of my process of creating new goals and dreams, I am going back to my childhood. I didn’t fully realize that I was doing this until I was talking with a new friend today. A few things that I have done in the past few weeks and months include looking for and buying books that I loved as a child, walking barefoot in the grass (something I loved doing as a child), visited the local lake and remembered the fun I had splashing in the water as a kid, visited a library, and have done a lot of reflecting about the places I loved, the people I enjoyed spending time with and the activities that made me happy as a child. Just today, I was walking my dog in the park and I stopped at a tree and looked up at it and had a sudden, stopping me in my tracks memory of climbing trees with my brother and a few neighborhood kids. I stood there talking to Gus, telling him that if I was a kid, I would have someone boost me up to that limb there, climb up the next two limbs and sit on that third branch. I wished I could climb a tree today without injury, so I did in my mind. And I took a picture of the tree from a few angles to remind myself of that sense of freedom I found as a child, especially in the apple tree in our back yard.

I am working on finding ways to find those happy, carefree feelings of being a kid. I have always been a worrier and a little bit scared of a lot of things. But, I did feel those moments of pure joy as a child – and some as an adult too. I am ready to chase those moments again. Watch out world – I am ready to have some FUN!

I wanted to write a blog post today, but no topics rose to the top of my mind. I looked around my desk and picked 3 words that popped out to me – Sun, Friend, Blue – from three different words and decided to challenge myself to write something interesting about those three words. Bear with me, this might be a bumpy ride!

The sun and the moon were chatting one evening as they shared the sky. Though they were not very close, they did enjoy each other’s company every now and again. The sun greeted the moon with a cheery “hello, it’s good to see you!”

The moon replied with a lackluster “Yeah, nice to see you too. I don’t really want to be here today though.”

The sun immediately concluded that the moon was not happy to see her. This disappointed her greatly, and she hid behind a nearby cloud to mask the hurt she felt. Once she had her composure back, she appeared again and asked the moon “why don’t you want to be here? Is something bothering you?”

The moon heard the break in the sun’s voice and realized that the sun had taken his unhappiness personally. “Yes, but it is nice to see you again. You always brighten my mood.”  The moon did not want to admit the reason for his despondent mood, it was hard to explain.

Now the sun was worried about the moon. What had him so down? “Maybe if you tell me about what’s bothering you, I can help” she suggested.

“It’s a little embarrassing, but I just don’t know what is bothering me. All I know is that I feel ‘blah’ but I don’t know why.” admitted the moon. “I don’t want to be here, but I don’t know where I DO want to be, and I don’t know what I would rather be doing, other than maybe sleeping. And I’m not even tired. Not really anyway.”

The sun offered a slight smile and said “Moon, I understand.”

Before the sun could go on, the moon interrupted “How can YOU understand? I don’t understand. Besides, what would you know about feeling down, anyway? You’re always so….. so….. SUNNY and cheery!”

“HA! I’ve heard that before. Trust me, moon. I know it looks like I have everything and that nothing could possibly go wrong for me, but that simply isn’t true. As for how I could understand something that you yourself don’t understand – maybe ‘understand’ isn’t the right word.” The sun was close to the horizon and needed to help the moon as quickly as she could. “I can relate to what you are feeling. We all have times where we just don’t feel like ourselves, and that can be very uncomfortable. I have found that the key for me is to feel however I am feeling – I have learned it’s best to not try to stop it. Once it has run its course, I usually feel better and then I can move forward. I have been through this many times, I’m sure you will too. Try not to worry too much about why you are feeling this way. My hope for you is that this will pass and you will feel better soon. If it doesn’t pass, and you continue to feel down, then there may be something else going on and you can talk to someone to help you” The sun shared with genuine compassion. “I have had times when the feeling hasn’t passed and I had to talk to a therapist for a while to work through some things. I have friends who have even had to take medication to help them through some tough times. Whether the answer is time, counseling or medication – it’s all okay and nothing to be ashamed of. For me, sometimes it has been as simple as talking to a friend, like we are doing now – and knowing that I am not the only one who experiences these times. Sometimes, that helps me get through a stretch of time when I am feeling down.”

“Wow. I had no idea that you feel down sometimes. You always seem so… so shiny and happy.” the moon admits to the sun. “Thanks for sharing your experiences with me. Even if time and feeling my feelings doesn’t help enough, I already feel a little bit lighter knowing that I am not alone. Thank you for talking to me.”

“I have to go, but I am glad we got to talk today. I hope that you feel better tomorrow and I can’t wait to see you again.” the sun said as she slipped below the horizon.

“Me too, sun” whispered the moon “I hope tomorrow is a better day for everyone!” and the moon stood tall in the sky, blue, but okay.

Well, I guess that brings to light just how I have been feeling the past day or two. Just a little blue for no reason at all. What I have learned over the years is to try to focus on the good things when possible during these down days. I started this story yesterday, but am just finishing up and posting today. So during my down days of yesterday and today – I have tried to focus on my appreciation of my better half, I love him with all my heart. We enjoyed a visit to the local county fair last night and today I have enjoyed a few chats with my youngest daughter and have been thinking about my oldest.  And of course, I can’t leave out the fur babies who have been underfoot and looking for attention, which I gladly distribute. My writing has stalled, but I hope to get back to it and fulfill some long held dreams of writing a children’s book (who knows… maybe a series) and maybe something more. I am confident that this familiar feeling will pass, and I hope that when it does I will be able to move forward confidently and swiftly.

In closing – I wish everyone a great day, and a better tomorrow! If you are feeling down, don’t let it defeat you. Down days are okay, but seek help if you need it and don’t be ashamed. After all – we are only human. Take care, and God Bless.

Written August 3 & 4, 2021

The field next to our apartment complex was an inhospitable, bleak patch of land. Shoulder high crumbling brick walls stood sentry on two sides, while a snarling, barbed wire fence enclosed the field. Sunbaked corn stalks, growing in a random, scattered pattern staked claim to one half of the field, standing tall and defiant against the blazing sun each day. In the wake of the corn, rough, black dirt plastered the remainder of the field. It was obvious that the corn seed had been scattered by hand or by the wind, it was not machine planted like I see back home in Illinois. This patch of land in my temporary home in India was an unusual sight for me, but I grew accustomed to its bleak roughness over time.

One day the field came to life as a nomadic family erected a lien-to, created from a thin, fiery red cloth tied to four uneven tree branches wedged into the hard ground. The dark earth of the field became their beds, their chairs and their tables. The kitchen consisted of a small fire surrounded by cooking pots. Their wardrobe consisted of the clothes they lived in day to day. This family lived in full view of every passer-by because their home had no walls, no privacy.

As I passed each day, I watched the two women crouched by the small fire cooking meals, tending to the children and carrying pots of water from the roadside spigot half a mile down the road. The two men of the family disappeared during the day, only to return for an afternoon rest, lying on the hard dirt in the shade of a few nearby trees. There were six young children living in the camp as well. I loved watching the children play hide and seek in the field of cornstalks, it looked like such fun!

One day as my family and I were walking past the corn field, three children were playing in the shade near the brick wall that divided us. We could see them through the crumbling holes. As we came near the wall, we unintentionally startled the children and two of them took off running towards the camp and the adults of their family.

The third child, a girl around the age of six stayed and simply looked up at us with dark, shimmering eyes, smiled and waved to us. When she smiled, her entire face lit up so that even her eyes smiled at us. I was amazed that through the layers of dirt and grime, through the tatters of her clothing came a beauty that shone from the inside. I stood, holding my breath in awe of this beautiful little girl. Though we were not able to communicate through words, she shared her happiness with me, and showed me her innocence and beauty.

Just then, a cherub faced little boy around 3 years old came running back, his shyness and fear overcome by his innate curiosity. I bent down to look at him through a hole in the brick wall. He pulled back slightly but when he saw my smile, his smile unfolded, and a giggle escaped from his lips. I could not suppress my own laughter and I remembered the bag I was carrying.

The bag had a pineapple and a large bunch of grapes from the vendor cart down the street. I handed the little girl the bag and when she looked inside, she flashed another grin in our direction. She waved to us and yelled with excitement to the adults around the fire, and she and the little boy ran to them as fast as they could.

As the minor commotion erupted in the camp, we walked away, leaving the family to enjoy the fruit. I made a mental note to buy more fruit during the week to bring to these beautiful children.

Two days later, I passed the field and my breath caught and my heart sank. The shaded camp, the pot, the adults and the beautiful children were gone. The field lost its glimmer of life and seemed empty and lonely again. My chance to see those beautiful smiles had passed. The family, as they surely have done many times before, moved on to find their next unlikely home. This family, who at first glance appeared to have nothing, truly had everything they needed with each other. And I learned to see the bleak, rough field as a home, as a playground a place of peace.

Not everything is as it first seems.

(Originally written 2008) Author’s Note: This is a true story from a period of time when I lived in India with my family. We had many experiences that changed my view of the world, but watching this family just outside of our comfortable existence in our apartment gave me a clear perspective of what is important in this life. My non-verbal exchange with these children brought so much joy to my heart that I can still feel it today, over 10 years later.

Walking down the street,

Listening to the birds filling the air with song.

An occasional bristle of the branches in the wind.

Suddenly, SNAP, CRACKLE, CRUNCH resounds in my ears.

Like someone walking across a bed of twigs,

Breaking them all under his weight.

Alas, no one else is around.

I am now standing motionless.

Yet the SNAP, CRACKLE, CRUNCH continues.

Bright blue sky above me,

The sun warming my cheeks.

Three pine trees loom before me,

As I realize they bear the source of this noise.

Announcing the arrival of spring,

The pinecones that have been so tightly closed,

Are popping open, ever so loudly.

Dropping their hidden seeds to the ground.

The pinecones, the pine tree are joining

The birds, the flowers and the sun in their chorus

“Welcome Spring!”

The past influences me, but does not create me.

The present tests me, but does not constrain me.

My future encourages me and presents me with my own wild frontier to explore.

Today is my day. Every day.

Written 7/25/21